Catch the "why" and change them to "what"

Hello Reader,

It is nice to talk to you amongst the chaos of the holidays. You seem to be doing well. How are you?

“Great! I am not stressed at all!!! Everything is fine!!! I’m fine! See?! Just fine! So fine that I am great! I am great fine!” – Reader

…I’m going to take that as sarcasm. What’s up?

“The holidays are just very difficult.” – Reader

I hear you. You are doing a great job though.

“I just keep thinking, why me?!”

Yes, that is very valid. Let’s talk about it!

“Please! Is something wrong with me? Why can’t I just stay happy?!”

Sometimes the simplest changes make the largest impact. Last time we talked about how the words you use are very powerful when it comes to your mental health. The last skill we talked about was to be careful with the “but’s” and explored how "but" can be either useful or detrimental to your mental health. Let’s look at the next word to be intentional when using, “why”.

Let’s explore the word “why” and the impact “why” has on your mental health.

“why” often has a very healthy intention. The intention is often trying to seek out to understand the situation. The issue is that “why” can also be rhetorical and it really depends on how the person says it, their tone, and the receiver’s interpretation of it. If the situation is not lined up in the best of situations, “why” can feel very judgmental. It might not be on purpose or malicious but the impact still exists.

A few examples of this so you can understand the impact of "why",

-          If you have your first session in therapy and the first thing the therapist tells you is, “Why are you even sad?”. Ouch! That sounds and feels very judgmental! Even if the intention was the best, the feeling of it feels judgmental.

-          When a child draws on a wall, often times the parent’s reaching is “why did you do this?!” The parent most likely isn’t seeking out an explanation. In fact, any explanation might not be efficient for that parent and be seen as push back. What emerges after the "why" is the child feeling guilt and shame when the child is still learning what is socially acceptable.

-          We do this to ourselves as adults. When driving back from the grocery store and you forgot to get the eggs. You were right there! You even looked right at the eggs and you forgot to get them! If we use why in this situation it might sound like, “oh gosh, why did I forget them again?!” What often comes after that is something judgmental even if it is playful, “I’m so stupid! I was right there?!” None the less, I am still bringing judgement and belittling myself.

In order to understand without judgement, we need to change the “why’s” to “what’s”. "What" is going to seeking out the reason reducing the likelihood of bringing judgement. If we look at each of those cases and change the “why’s” to “what’s” we start to experience a different feeling.

-          In the first session of therapy, instead of asking, “why are you even sad”. We can change this to “What brings you in today?” or “What is contributing to you feeling sad today?”. We start to bring curiosity and connection rather than judgement.

-          In the parent/child situation it can still be a learning opportunity without the judgment. This might sound like, “What was the reason you drew on the wall?” If said without judgement, the kiddo will most likely make that connection that, “Well paper is white and the wall is white so I thought you’d like this drawing too.” Or maybe that the parent enjoyed a smaller picture they made so it would only make sense from the child's perspective that if they drew a larger picture, the parent would love it even more. If they don’t make the connection, it is up to the parent to help them make the connection as to why they would draw on the wall. The parent can then use this as a learning opportunity to explain that we only draw on paper and not on other things.

-          With the third example where we bring judgement to ourselves, we can change the “why” to “what” to truly understand the situation and grow from it. Instead of “why did I forget the eggs”, it can be changed to “What contributed to me forgetting the eggs?” The answer might be as simple as I was on the phone during that time. Cool! Great! I can make change and growth with that instead of belittling myself and labeling myself as, stupid. Next time I go to the grocery store, I might set the intention to leave my phone in the car or to set a rule with myself to only talk on the phone once I got everything I needed.

In your case, Reader, sometimes we just have to learn how to talk to ourselves differently, to change our perspectives, to be kind to ourselves. This does not mean that you won’t have struggles. Remember in a previous blog, struggles are just a part of life. They are neither good nor bad. We have to learn how to build up skills to face the struggles in life. Catching the “why’s” and changing them to “what’s” is just one small but very powerful skill you can practice. It's not why does this keep happening to me but maybe, what can I control and what can I not control, or what can I reframe from this situation, or what skill can I use to get through this situation.

Key takeaways:

1)      The way we talk to ourselves is often habitual from past experiences and our upbringing. It is not your fault that you have a difficult time being kind to yourself.

2)      Although the instinctual way you talk about yourself and others is habitual, that does not mean that you can’t change it. It is your responsibility to put in the work to change your life.

3)      Sometimes the smallest changes make the largest impact.

4)      Catch the “why’s” and change them to “what’s” to reduce self-judgement (not get rid of but to reduce).