Be Careful With The "But's"

Hello Reader,

I hope you have been practicing being kind to yourself recently!

Today we are going to talk about our words. We are taught in school how to communicate with others but are often not taught how to communicate with ourselves. This is so strange to me because we are with ourselves 24/7. I think it is extra important to know how to talk to ourselves. Instead of learning how to talk to ourselves in a healthy way, we internalize and trust other's words and perspectives despite them living completely different lives. We need to change this and learn how to have healthy communication with ourselves, to learn to be our own best friend, to learn to be the type of person we want to be around.

Let's dive into it! We are going to focus on something small but very powerful. This is the word, “but”.

Let’s talk about but’s!!! This is with one “t” not two “t’s”, gosh! The word, “but” is very powerful. “but” gets rid of everything before it. The word "but" can either be minimizing and dismissive or supportive and encouraging depending on how you use it.

A few examples of this is, “I don’t mean to be racist, but…” Often what comes after that statement is something racist. "but" just got rid of the healthy intention at the start. This happens in relationships as well where the intention might be to help but the use of “but” unintentionally dismisses our partner's experience, “I see you are mad but you shouldn’t be mad at anything!” Again, "but" just got rid of everything before it. "We can even unintentionally dismiss ourselves. “I exercised today but I wanted to run too. I never have time to run! I’m such a failure!” The use of “but” becomes a slippery slope to impacting your mental health in a negative way. So, let’s change this!

If we break it down into a health, structured format, the sentence would look like (negative + “but” + positive).

Notice how the following sentences use the same exact words but when we restructure them, they feel very different. One feels dismissive while the other feels encourage. Again, they use the exact same words just restructured.

1) “I did clean one dish BUT I still need to clean the other dishes” (positive + “but” + negative). This often feels discouraging, not good enough, minimizing, dismissive, maybe even judgmental. Read it again and notice how it feels.

v.s. what we want to change it to (remember these are the same exact words just rearranged).

2) “I still need to clean the other dishes BUT I did clean one dish” (negative + “but” + positive). This often feels much more supportive, motivating, validating, and encouraging. Read it again and notice how it feels.

If we can use “but” strategically and get rid of the negative, the feeling starts to be either more neutral or even positive. Give it a try! Be strategic with your "but’s"!

Key takeaways:

1)      We are often not taught how to talk with ourselves in a healthy way so be kind to yourself as you learn.

2)      The smaller changes can make the largest impact.

3)      Be careful with the "but’s"

4)      Structure your self-communication as, Negative + But + Positive